Avant-Garde

"Every guy sees you naked when he looks at you." "All any guy thinks when he first meets you is that he wants to have sex with you." "Any guy who tells you he hasn't imagined banging you is a liar." In a world where being vulnerable by being naked is praised, sex sells, and casual hook-ups have been normalized, the previous quotes have somehow found a way to haunt me. They are real statements made by real men who were having conversations with me. These statements have caused more pain and fear than any person should have to endure. They have echoed repeatedly in my mind daily and instantaneously whenever I meet someone who shows interest in me. This is the real world that we live in, and harassment takes many forms here. Abuse can sometimes undermine statements like those above because we'll think at least they are words which aren't as bad as the physical. This beckons me to ask, why is it truth is so perverted? This last y...

"You seem real." I keep hearing this. It begs the question, "What is real anymore?" Are most people fake? Inauthentic? Do most people not believe in just being themselves? Or maybe they are questioning if I'm a real-life Pinocchio. Who knows. My whole life I've lived a pretty openly. It wasn't like it ever was a choice for me not to. To be honest, I've always had this fear that I was being excluded in some way from something. I'm not quite sure where this fear came from. But this fear has pushed me to be open, honest, and hospitable to everyone that I possibly could invite into my life. As some of you already may have guessed, I've been hurt by people who have taken advantage of that fact. The flip side, is I've hurt people by being that way in return. As an over-thinker, I decided to make a list of what happens when you live life in an open and real way. 1. You constantly question what people think of you. You are a peo...

It's never going to happen. Pessimism has never been a strong suit for me, but this time it feels perfect. Sometimes there are things in life which don't go as planned and the reverse of what that plan was ends up being ok. Originally, I sat down and began to type out the most melodramatic, sad and frustrating piece I've ever written. The last few days, weeks, years... they've all had me thinking about where I am in life. Divorced at 25 then here at almost 28 is a long stretch of times where I sit in peace and others where I sit in pieces. It's hard sometimes to not dwell on how tough it gets. Some day I might go into the melodrama, but for now I'm going to let you know why my pessimism from the beginning truly is a good thing. You can have a heart of gold, be as beautiful from the inside out as can be, you can do all of the right things, and you'll never find enough. You'll get holes in your heart throughout life, voids, and you can try t...

To you with the weak heart, Another day/night of restlessness and pain is overwhelming you. You have tried and tried to get it together. It wouldn't be so hard if it weren't every single day. Reality hits and you see the gravity of life pull you into a chasm of empty alone hurt. Sure, the verses, proverbs, and songs touch your emotions. The people around you knock on your door, or text and say "It's going to be ok." Yes, there are a plethora of positives backing you and pushing you to be just "ok." The thing is, content and ok feel like being numb. Sometimes its easy to coast in that mode. And sometimes you do just that, but coasting isn't healthy. Taking pain pills doesn't fix the problem it just mutes or dulls the pain. You need to be better, to finally take steps forward. What's the problem? So, here's the tough part: diagnosing the issues which are causing your heart to be in pain. Yes, I know there are people, situations,...

When I was little, I used to be obsessed with watching old movies. My favorites were Shirley Temple movies. One I always went back to was the story of 'Heidi'. Of the entire storyline, I was obsessed with the last part of the movie. For those of you who need a refresher or have never seen it, the part I was so fixated on was the little sick girl. There was a story within the story. A rich father (who means well) hires a nanny to take care of his daughter who had an accident. The nanny does minimal to nothing in helping the daughter get better. The father invites the orphan girl 'Heidi' to live with them (basically becoming a foster parent to her) because he's told her previous living conditions were horrendous. The father stays almost completely out of the picture, and the nanny is placed in control. When Heidi realizes that the nanny is using the daughters illness to maintain control of the father and also secure her position, Heidi pushes the daughter to get be...

We spent hours upon hours preparing for this day. There were the lists of things we needed to buy, shirt designs, themes, and every ounce of our creative minds were on overdrive. Somehow my cousin and I had put our minds to entering into the flotilla contest for the fourth of July celebration at our grandparents lake. Our parents (and even our grandparents) believed it was going to be an expensive waste of time, but we were determined to succeed and not only enter but win for best boat. The pontoon was old with a beautiful silver/blue and red/orange decal. We only ever used it to go out fishing and swimming. As my cousin and I threw out ideas, it was a holiday themed design we eventually both agreed was going to be our best bet at winning. After all of the planning, the day finally arrived and we listened to our burned CD full of all the USA proud songs we could find while we proudly decorated our boat in red, white, and blue. Streamers, banners, flags, and balloons adorned our ...

She pulled into the parking lot and looked at me in love and said "I'm not making any promises." This was the third store we had driven to, walked in, and caroused the swimsuit aisles of. Each store more frustrating than the other. There were hundreds of cute suits to choose from, and even though my eyes were drawn to the cute little bikinis, my mom beelined it straight to the one pieces on the back rack. There was no way to be thrilled about this. You see, this was the early 2000's and everyone of my friends were wearing two pieces, crop tops, and make-up. This teenager was not allowed to wear or even think about asking for such items. She'd learned her lesson the hard way in trying to get around it. There was that one time, I spent the night at my cousins house and didn't have clothes for the next day, so my aunt let me wear a hand me down outfit which was a crop top and shorts. I remember putting that outfit on and feeling like I was finally cool. ...