Magnificent Magnolia
We all have one of those years. It's the point in time which you vividly recall circumstances, events, and even emotions. Where you begin to make choices understanding the outcome connects with your future. A time where you learn the definition of consequence:
noun
- 1.a result or effect of an action or condition.
- 2. importance or relevance.
There was one time I climbed the magnolia tree, and as I was moving my foot from the knot to the landing where I normally sat, my foot became stuck. No matter how hard I twisted and squirmed I could not get it free. It started to hurt, but all I could think about was how angry mom would be if she saw me trying to climb her magnificent magnolia again. Thinking quick on one foot (i know, bad joke), I untied my shoe and slipped my foot out of it. With my foot free I was able to walk away.
Unbeknownst to me, my mother had been watching me the entire time from above from the master bedroom which looked out over the tree. She didn't say a word, instead she let me believe I had walked away from the circumstance undetected. Little did I know, I had injured the tree in my escape. This whole thing had happened in the spring when the tree was in full bloom, and the next day one of its branches was hanging a little lower than before and the blossoms had died off.
When I saw what had happened to the tree, I knew it was my fault. The branch which was now dying was the direct result of my action to climb the tree, and the condition in which I had left it. My shoe had stayed lodged in the tree and left the trunk damaged and exposed to the weather in places. Worried I had destroyed our beautiful tree, I confessed all of my actions to my mother. Disappointed she explained the two outcomes. Either she would be able to remove my shoe, then prune and restore the tree, or it would continue to die off one branch at a time until there was no longer a tree. I remember it hitting me. This was a real consequence. There was no way to go back in time and not climb the tree. So mom removed my shoe, pruned and tended to the tree, and all I could do was wait.
As I have grown through the years, I've found myself in countless situations similar to the magnolia tree from my childhood. Points where I'm brought to a consequence of my disobedience. See, I had climbed that magnolia tree before, and my mom had told me not to. She told me there would be a consequence. She even told me that I could injure or damage myself or the tree. Yet, time and time again I would climb it anyways.
My marriage was one of those things similar to the magnolia. Marriage is something I have the utmost respect for. Growing up I went to a decent amount of weddings and I always treasured the idea of being a bride one day.
At 18, I was given the opportunity to marry. He was my first boyfriend. He told me he loved me. All I knew of marriage was the purity of it all. The innocent idea that a man and woman could come together and life would just be perfect together. Years later I now see how many ways I was wrong in using this to decide to marry. There were people who like my mom in the magnolia story, warned me that it would not be easy. I can still hear their warnings play over vividly in my head:
"You're young, maybe you should wait a few years and be engaged for a while first."
"Maybe, you should finish college before making such a commitment to someone."
"You should have dated around more, found out if he really is the one before you do this."
Once again just like the story of the magnolia tree, I didn't listen and it didn't take long for me to feel like I did as a child with her foot caught in a tree trunk. How could I have gotten myself into this mess? I remember looking at my husband and seeing a complete stranger. Our goals were so far from each other. We didn't know how to be married or simply put commit to and love one another. So we played house. Sugar coating our lives to mask our disappointment in what marriage had become for us. We often heard people say things about how proud they were of us for getting married young. When that would happen, we would often change the subject. I remember one time wanting to scream. How could this dream I had of being a bride have lead to this. We were stuck.
The warnings began to flare again as people became suspicious of our failing marriage. I decided to be done to run away. It was like when I untied my shoelaces in the tree. I was escaping. There was a period of time where we separated and I went on to do my own thing. Somehow I didn't feel free, instead there was a plaguing sense of guilt for leaving. During our separation I became severely depressed. I reached out and clung to a persona I built for myself. She was a party, she was fun, she liked to dance, drink, and sought after attention. The attention was crucial, without it, how could I validate my appeal toward men? Was I even desirable? Even though I was the one who ran away from my marriage, my thoughts became twisted and I started blaming him for not coming after me when I ran. He didn't chase me the way I wanted him to. He didn't complete me in the ways I needed to be completed.
All of a sudden our story had a twist of fate. We reconnected and were given the opportunity to start over in our marriage. After almost a year apart, we reconciled and began again. This time we were older, we were established in our careers. There was even time away from each other where we had been able to define ourselves as individuals. People were skeptical of our reunion. There were actually many who opposed of us and more specifically of me. Still, we pressed on and built what we believed to be a life together.
The feeling of being stuck never fully escaped me. Even after buying a house, getting a puppy, and having our son, I just felt stuck. I would try and hide it because I couldn't run again. What would people say? There was no way to validate a second failure of the same marriage. On the other hand, there was no way I was enough for my marriage because I felt so incomplete still. Night after night I would question my husband if there were something more for us to do? Were we called to a bigger place in ministry? There had to be something more, because this wasn't enough to fill me here where we were. This poor man was working full time, providing for our family, serving on Sundays at church, and just trying to get it right and here I was begging and sometimes demanding that He provide the answers to complete me.
There were so many times I became jealous of him. He was able to trust the Lord, so why couldn't I? Why was he so calm and content? My mind would wander to thoughts of him not really liking or loving me, and soon I realized I was still battling my depression. Believing I had been giving my best to God without any result, I turned away from the Lord silently and hoped for the best.
My foot was out of the magnolia tree. Sin took hold of my heart, and I lived life the way I was most numb. Reverting back to the ways I lived while we were separated, I pushed my husband away. The damage I had caused was irreversible. I started to see things die around me. My relationships, joy, and even previous passions were all gone. Once again I moved out. This time was for good. Our divorce quickly followed.
For the past few years after my divorce, there were times I walked closer to ways which almost mirrored Christianity. I would get into habits of going to church, professing that I believed in God and Jesus. At the same time, I was going out and still in search of something I needed. In times of desperation I would cry out to God for a sign that He was still there. Why was I still so incomplete? Why didn't I feel free? Why was I hurting?
Here is the shocking reality, my shoe was still stuck in the magnolia tree. God had never left me. In fact, He had been there watching as I went into my marriage just as my mom watched as I climbed into the magnolia tree. He watched as I struggled, and He watched as I ran away from the mess. So why didn't he do anything to prevent it? Why didn't my mom open the window and tell me to get away from the tree? Because of the consequence.
Looking back to the magnolia tree, my mom had told me a thousand times that I could injure the tree. She knew at this point it would take a consequence for me to not climb it. My mom later told me that injuring the tree was a minor consequence for her, and that truthfully her main concern all along was that I would climb it alone and no one would be there if I were to fall and hurt myself.
So why didn't God prevent my marriage? I've come to the belief it was because He knew my heart was stuck. He knew I was incomplete, that I was broken, depressed, and that I liked to run away from my problems. He knew my failures, where I felt the most desperate. He knew the baggage I had been holding on to. Most importantly He knew that I needed to come to Him and confess I had been doing life without Him. In order to confess that, I had to realize that I was incomplete, and that the only way to become complete is to completely rely on Jesus. I had to learn to anchor my trust God's will.
Do I believe that divorce is a part of God's will? No. Do I believe that God is bigger? Yes.
God is so much bigger than any failure we may find ourselves subject to. Even failures as big as divorce. He also has grace that is fresh and new for every single day! This means that even if we fall accustom to our old failures, regrets, and/or doubts, we can never fall accustom to His mercy, grace, and goodness because its always new. So despite my shortcomings, God's love stays the same. His will for my life, stays the same. My purpose to glorify Him, stays the same. Now, the approach may change, the location may change, and the time which things happen may all change, but the end result stays the same. God is always sovereign.
Recently, I enlisted a friend to come a long side me and read through the Bible from cover to cover. As I was reading through Genesis, I realized how important it was for the Lord to constantly make Himself available to His people. Always creating new covenants (or promises), always restoring what was broken or stolen, and always pushing His people to take steps in faith. Through this, I realized how much God wants to do that with every life. His love is that big, that deep, and that real.
My mom pruned that magnificent magnolia tree. After getting my shoe unstuck, she was able to save it and it went on to blossom and grow season after season. In the same way, this season the Lord has been freeing my heart. He's been pruning my life and allowing it to grow and flourish the way He designed for it to. He has been giving me new promises, restoring my soul, and pushing me to places where my faith has never been.
Hopefully along the course of my sharing different life lessons through this blog, the Lord will be able to speak life into each of you who read on. My prayer isn't that I would be the center of my story, but that God would ultimately be glorified.
Praise the Lord for He is Good, His Love Endures Forever
Yours Humbly,
Amber
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