Originally, I sat down and began to type out the most melodramatic, sad and frustrating piece I've ever written. The last few days, weeks, years... they've all had me thinking about where I am in life. Divorced at 25 then here at almost 28 is a long stretch of times where I sit in peace and others where I sit in pieces. It's hard sometimes to not dwell on how tough it gets. Some day I might go into the melodrama, but for now I'm going to let you know why my pessimism from the beginning truly is a good thing.
You can have a heart of gold, be as beautiful from the inside out as can be, you can do all of the right things, and you'll never find enough. You'll get holes in your heart throughout life, voids, and you can try to defend yourself against the hurt in the future. But, how do you guard your heart without putting up walls? How do you love unconditionally without being taken for granted? How do you allow yourself to feel without being too emotional? How do you always insure perfect timing in every life situation? How do you become the absolute best/perfect version of yourself? The answer? It's never going to happen.
How's that for a rotten apple? You're probably wondering why that's my point. If you continued reading on to this point let me reassure you, this is where you should be taking a deep breath of fresh air. No I'm not crazy. The thing is, you just have to accept that you let yourself down. You are your own biggest disappointment. And that's ok! You weren't created with the expectation of perfect, so why compare your life to what it's ideally supposed to be? Sometimes it takes being broken to remember that. You weren't created to be perfect, but you were designed to be humble.
When the fall of man happened, and Adam and Eve hid from God, think about what they were really doing... If you stole something from someone you loved and then disobeyed them even more by doing something they explained the consequences of/tried to protect you from, would you hide and then act completely unnatural? They made clothes even though they had been naked the whole time. They hid, even though they knew God walked with them in the garden and created everything, including their hiding place. So why? Because, they were humbled. I believe the shame and guilt they felt was a more pure form of humility. They didn't feel worthy of walking with God, and they covered up His creation that was no longer perfect with pieces of creation they believed were still untainted. They were humbled; but, it took them loosing all they had, their protection, the best/perfect version of themselves, perfect timing, perfect love that knew no conditions, and the selflessness of pure emotion.
Humility doesn't mean you stay lost, damaged, or broken. It doesn't even mean you focus on the places of your life where you became lost, damaged, or broken. It means you are found in your original state; naked, yet covered completely by God's grace, mercy, and so much more by His love. Humility means accepting God's best for you is better than your best. It is accepting that your versions of perfect aren't always going line up with God's. That you're not the center of your story, and you never will be. It's surrendering every part of who you are, because allowing God to complete you is so much better than trying to write your own story.
So yes, you can have a heart of gold, be as beautiful from the inside out as can be, you can do all of the right things, and you'll never find enough. If that's all you're seeking: "being enough", It's never going to happen. Instead of being frustrated, angry, or melodramatic, be humbled. Your humility is a part of God's plan.
How blessed is God! And what a blessing he is! He’s the Father of our Master, Jesus Christ, and takes us to the high places of blessing in him. Long before he laid down earth’s foundations, he had us in mind, had settled on us as the focus of his love, to be made whole and holy by his love. Long, long ago he decided to adopt us into his family through Jesus Christ. (What pleasure he took in planning this!) He wanted us to enter into the celebration of his lavish gift-giving by the hand of his beloved Son.
Where am I at in life? I'm at a place where I'm being completely humbled and I'm excited to know I'm right where God has me. Pursuing Him and His will more than I pursue the "perfect" (and unrealistic) expectations I easily place on my life. I've been the focus of His love since before time, and I want to be made whole and holy! I want to be in His love!